


Dinner Table Conversations

by Tigresse



Series: Food and Drink Porn [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Boys Being Boys, Boys In Love, Euphemisms, Food Porn, Horny Jim Moriarty, Horny Sherlock, Innuendo, Kinks, M/M, Mummy is clever, Sexual Humor, Shocked Mycroft Holmes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 13:18:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12984873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tigresse/pseuds/Tigresse
Summary: Jim and Sherlock want some private time but, when Mycroft decides they need to attend his dinner party, they start having those conversations in public. Chaos and embarrassment ensues.





	Dinner Table Conversations

Moans, pants, hisses, breathy groans and grunts could be heard from the shiny luxury-sedan. Occasionally the vehicle rocked back and forth, responding to the frenzied movements of its occupants. Despite the windows being rolled up and all doors locked, the sounds still managed to escape the car. Though the windows were fogged up, the clear outline of two people engaged in a passionate clinch inside could easily be made out.

 

A pair of eyes watched them with disapproval.

 

Inside the car Jim Moriarty, former criminal mastermind turned legit businessman, and Sherlock Holmes, the most brilliant detective in the world, were kissing and groping each other like two beasts on heat. For the two highly sexed up men, the separation of a week had been quite an ordeal. There had been plenty of dirty talk on the phone and some ‘shows’ on Skype, but that hadn’t been even remotely close to the real thing. That afternoon Jim had returned from his business trip and Sherlock had returned from Vienna after solving a case there, reuniting at the Gatwick airport merely an hour and half ago. Now all they wanted to do was make love, kiss, make love again, then fall asleep in each other’s arms.

 

Instead they were in front of Mycroft Holmes’ casa. And there was a dinner party about to start in a few minutes.

 

A knock on the window, followed by several taps on the windshield finally drew their attention to the outside world and Sherlock rolled the window down. He was a mess! His eyes were glazed over with lust, his lips were parted with blood at one corner, there was a trail of drool escaping from the other corner and down towards his chin, and his skin was flushed a bright pink. His hairs looked like a hurricane had gone through them and his shirt had the first three buttons missing.

 

“Mycroft!!!”

 

“Yes. This is my house. You are making out inside the car that’s parked on my driveway. Were you expecting someone else, brother mine?”

 

“N-No….but we weren’t expecting you either.”

 

“Well, I am here now,” Mycroft pointed with his eyes, “Can you please just….ask James to get his face out of your lap.”

 

Sherlock nodded with a grin, “Of course.” But he pushed Jim’s head downwards instead of pulling him up.

 

Mycroft rolled his eyes.

 

“Jimmy,” Sherlock said, “Get up. My brother is here, unfortunately.”

 

Jim Moriarty looked up and Mycroft gasped in shock. The normally suit clad Irishman was in casuals that day, a O-neck olive green T shirt, jeans and a denim jacket with a furry collar. His long, exposed neck was filled with abuse, sucked fresh on to his pale skin. His face was flushed bright red and his full lips were swollen and bee stung.

 

“Um….Myc, I was thinking,” Jim remained bent over Sherlock’s lap which sported a tent bigger than the ones Bedouins built in the Arabian desert, “Can we just finish here or in your bathroom perhaps. It won’t take longer than three to five minutes per my calculations.”

 

Mycroft felt like slamming the two dark heads against each other. Jim and Sherlock were two men who had truly found each other!!! They were so similar in many ways that when they had gotten together Mycroft had more or less been sure that the relationship wouldn’t last long. After all opposites were supposed to attract and these two brats were totally similar. But had been proved wrong! The two men were going strong and seemed to have become an inseparable couple by now, displaying a united front to the family and to the world and exhibiting very similar traits, habits, quirks, whims and in this case, kinks.

 

“No Jim,” Sherlock admonished his lover, “You are wrong.”

 

 _There is hope for this world,_ Mycroft thought with a small smile of relief. At least his baby brother had not lost it yet.

 

Jim frowned, “What am I wrong about?”

 

“It would take me a minute and half and you’d take one minute more after that. That’s our average after living apart for a week. Your calculations are wrong.”

 

“I added buffer time for reaching the spot.”

 

“No, you were talking about finishing in the car.”

 

“Well Mycroft would need time to leave, wouldn’t he?”

 

“ENOUGH, both of you, you guys are hopeless,” Mycroft roared, raising his voice rather uncharacteristically, “Out of the car now. Stop acting like horny teenagers on ecstasy drugs. This is my house and there are some rules around here. The foremost one is grown men behave like grown men here, especially when we have other guests attending the dinner party as well. Am I absolutely clear?”

 

“You are bossy,” Jim grumbled.

 

Sherlock got out with a big sulk on his face.

 

“Here,” Mycroft took out his handkerchief and wiped Sherlock’s chin and then wrapped his own scarf around Jim’s neck, “All evidence concealed.”

 

“What’s the big deal anyways with this dinner?” Sherlock grumbled

 

Mycroft resisted another eyeroll as he answered, “It’s my first marriage anniversary Sherlock. One year ago, I married Gregory Lestrade. Remember?”

 

“Ouch,” Jim snickered and zipped up when Mycroft pointed at his open fly, “We forgot to bring a present.”

 

***

 

It turned out to be pure torture for Jim and Sherlock as they sat close to each other and yet couldn’t touch and caress one another like they were dying to do. The room was filled with people, from Jim’s former associate and current friend Sebastian Moran, to Sherlock’s partner in solving crimes John Watson, Lestrade’s mum, Mycroft himself, the Holmes parents, Molly Hooper and her 9th Sherlock lookalike boyfriend, Phil Andersen, Lady Smallwood and some other senior officials who worked closely with Mycroft and a few other guests who were known to the hosting couple.

 

They were not suffering due to a lack of effort. Three times their attempts to enter Mycroft’s bedroom or a guestroom had been thwarted by the man himself.

 

So they resorted to casting longing glances at each other, licking lips and shifting incessantly to find comfort as their trousers remained unbelievably tight. They drank copious amounts of wine to distract themselves and attempted chit-chat with fellow guests but nothing really worked. After a while Jim pointed at Sherlock’s phone and discreetly picked up his own, indicating that he wanted to communicate something through text messages. Sherlock didn’t have to be told twice and he picked up his phone too, eagerly waiting for the first text to arrive.

 

**_Can I pretend to be choking so you can kiss me deep and hard and pretend you’re giving me mouth to mouth – JM_ **

****

**_Much as I would love to, I will come in my pants. It’s horrid, that sticky mess – SH_ **

****

**_I already have, once – JM_ **

****

**_Me too, how else do you think I know how uncomfortable it is – SH_ **

****

**_Yeah, like you’re trapped in your own fluids – JM_ **

****

**_Tell me about it. Hey, how about we get into a bathroom and I finger you – SH_ **

****

**_If they catch us at it – JM_ **

****

**_You can say I am giving you a prostate exam – SH_ **

****

**_What if John asks you what’s wrong with my prostate. Can you outwit a doctor – JM_ **

****

**_I guess not. I can’t even sit still now. I need to be inside you – SH_ **

****

**_Just a little longer brilliant boy and we will do this first thing we leave this place. In our car, backseat – JM_ **

 

Even their dirty talk was interrupted when Mycroft announced dinner and the group filed out of the living room and assembled at the formal dining room where Mycroft’s cook and butler had rustled up an awesome feast for the guests. As they sat down at the table, Sherlock at one end, Jim on the other (of course, accosted by Mycroft who didn’t want them to sit close), the servers began to bring in several delicious courses. From a piping hot and fragrant soup to yummy starters, an entre that was the best filet money could buy in their city, and several salads and choices of dessert, the elder Holmes and his husband of one year had spared neither effort nor expenses in making it a king’s feast.

 

Everyone orgasmed over the food, the presentations and the aroma while Jim and Sherlock merely pushed their food around the plate and made faces at everything and everyone. They needed something else right now, not food. They wanted to go home, be somewhere alone, so they could take care of each other’s needs in private. This was torture and torment, keeping them apart for mundane things such as anniversary celebrations and food! Pathetic and disgusting.

 

Mycroft noticed this and did something totally unwise. He decided to taunt the two geniuses, not knowing what kind of tsunami it would bring.

 

“I guess my little brother and his beloved partner aren’t too happy with the culinary delights of the evening,” he said, in his usual affected manner, “Greg, it seems we have failed to live up to their expectations.”

 

“Whatcha saying?” Sebastian said, shovelling food into his mouth, “This is delicious!”

 

“Oh, Sherlock has always been a picky eater,” Mrs Holmes declared.

 

“I find this amazing,” Lady Smallwood cast a disapproving glance at the two men.

 

“Jim, I am sure you like something here at least?” John, who never passed an opportunity at poking Jim on the side, commented with sarcasm.

 

That was it! That was all Jim and Sherlock could take. They couldn’t take any more. The two men scowled at first and then looked at all the people sitting around them with barely concealed loathing. Then their eyes locked and the two like-minds were struck by the same idea at the same time. If Mycroft was trying to slip in a tricky-mickey and the others were putting them in even more unease, then time for a little payback.

 

“On the contrary we love the food,” Sherlock began, “Look at those cucumbers, what do you think Jimmy?”

 

Jim instantly started, “I love English cucumbers. Nice, thick, long and juicy. From these slices we see on the table, in the salad, I can easily picture one that is intact, at least nine inches long isn’t it Sherlock?”

 

“Yes my love,” Sherlock responded, “Nine inches or more. Covered with a thick creamy mayo, they taste delicious.”

 

“I was thinking about these stuffed pastries we are eating and how scrumptious they are,” Jim spoke in a sing-song voice that chillingly reminded Mycroft about the earlier crime lord Moriarty. The Irishman’s eyes had a mad glint in them, a glint mirrored in Sherlock’s green orbs, and he began to regret this decision to tease the boys. But it was too late and the bullet had been fired from the gun. It had to hit the target. Jim went on, holding a large unbroken pastry before his mouth, “Look at how the meat is stuffed inside the package, how tightly packed it is, like a sausage inside a warm bun. Soft and moist inside and yet hard and firm outside, like a truly good slab of meat should be.”

 

“Sauces,” Sherlock added, dropping his voice to a hoarse whisper which sounded like his bedroom voice, “Nice creamy white or should it be a bit runny and spicy?”

 

Molly squeaked.

 

“For me either of the two would do,” Jim said in a gleeful tone, “As long as the meat is good, solid and firm, fresh and flavourful, I am sure the sauces are just an….appendage.”

 

Sebastian cleared his throat.

 

“This steak has come from the rump of a suckling pig,” Sherlock went on, while Mycroft bristled in his chair and Greg looked confused at his reaction, “It is brilliant Myc, very well chosen. A well developed, well maintained rump, that’s my weakness and my favourite. The meat is moist and bursting with flavours and succulent, melt in the mouth. Given a chance this is what I would eat all day.”

 

John had begun to hyperventilate already.

 

“Sausages,” Jim continued, unabashed.

 

“Is breakfast food for me,” Mycroft quickly added, to avoid another veiled pornographic discussion at the dinner table. He was sure the older guests had no clue as to what was going on (most of all ‘mummy’ who he was genuinely still scared of), but the rest of the folks at the table, those under the age of forty, had a fair idea of what the two geniuses were blabbering on about.

 

“Precisely Myc,” Jim said with a broad and sinister grin, “Nothing like a sausage first thing in the morning.”

 

“If I didn’t know any better,” Phil Andersen whispered to John, “I would have thought they were talking about penises.”

 

John was sweaty and red faced by then. His appetite had left him already.

 

Sherlock capped off the conversation with a gesture at the desserts which were being plated at that point of time, “Nothing like satiating your appetite with a juicy pie, a creamy pie, creampie.”

 

Once dinner was over, Mycroft let Jim and Sherlock into his best guest room, insisting they spend the night there as they were both ‘tired’ from their flights. As Mrs Holmes was about to leave, she took her elder son aside and whispered, “Mikey, some people remain in love with each other even after years of becoming a couple. They desire each other so much that any company they are thrust into becomes an ordeal for them. Jim and Sherlock are a couple like that. To add to that, they are both headstrong and fiercely independent. They’d always do what they think is the right thing to do. The next time, give them some private time before they attend a party like this, okay?”

 

Mycroft hiccupped and swallowed heavily. Mum wasn’t as oblivious as he thought.

 

Needless to say, that was the last time Mycroft ever threw a dinner party at his place.

**Author's Note:**

> Siblings can be pests LOL!


End file.
